Let me decide.

I am 34 years old and have been happily married for over a decade.  And I don’t have any children.  If you, dear reader, are a family member, friend, or even acquaintance of mine, you may know the reasons for that.  However, if you fall into one of these categories and do not know, don’t feel left out.  I don’t go around broadcasting the information and your not knowing might actually be an indicator of your good manners.

I was 22 years old when I got married, which saved me from too many years of people asking me, “when are you going to get married?”  Sadly, that doesn’t mean that I was never questioned on that topic.  I turned 22 in 2000, but even 200 years earlier when women married younger, I hardly would have been firmly “on the shelf” at that age.  Still, I suppose we’ve all been talking about love and marriage since we were in elementary school, so it’s little surprise that it comes up in conversation.

However, almost since the day I was married I’ve been subjected to a much more invasive line of questioning.  It seemed innocuous enough, when I was 22 or 23, recently married, and some acquaintance or other lightly asked if I wanted children.  “Oh, yes, we definitely do.”  The answer tripped off my tongue just as lightly as the question reached my ears, and the conversation moved to some other topic.  But ten or twelve years later, not only am I sick to death of hearing the same thing over and over again, but it comes seemingly out of nowhere and the questioning has become more aggressive.  It’s no longer just “do you want children?”  Now it’s “Why haven’t you had kids yet?” and “Don’t you want kids?” and “What are you waiting for?”  An acquaintance, after favoring me with several of the above, recently told me to “get on the stick, girl!”  It’s a shame I suffer from the common ailment of delayed-snarky-response, because I could have made a lot out of her probably unintentional innuendo.  A similar thing happened to me in conversation with a doctor a few months ago.  My own doctor’s schedule was full and I needed to be seen right away, so I got an appointment with this other guy, and within about 3 minutes of meeting me for the first time he was giving me reproductive advice which included the following: “time is tick-tick-ticking away!” and “If you wait for everything to be perfect, it’ll never happen!”  Yes, a medical doctor gave me this most excellent and helpful advice with very little input from me aside of my age.  He now makes up 100% of my list of Doctors I Will Never See Again Voluntarily.

So, dear internet, you may or may not know why I have no children.  And since you are the internet, I am not going to tell you.  But allow me to present some scenarios that I think you should consider before you question any woman about her reproductive life.

1. I have decided not to have children.  I am not infertile, but thought and prayer and discussion with my spouse have produced my decision not to be a mother.  I am happy with this decision, though it is considered outside the norm by many people.
2. Circumstances have so far made having children impractical or imprudent; for example: financial concerns, educational goals, health problems, or living situations.  I may have a plan to have children in the future, or I may not yet be sure if it will work out.
3. I have been trying to have children, but have not been successful yet.  I may not have any known fertility issues, but for some reason I have not been able to conceive.  I may have had one or more miscarriages.  I may at this moment be undertaking difficult fertility treatment that causes many physical and emotional side effects.  I may be recovering from a recent miscarriage.  I may suffer from other health problems that keep me from having children.
4. My spouse and I do not agree on whether or not we are going to have children.

Try and imagine yourself in these situations and you can hopefully understand how answering the “when are you going to have children?” question could be uncomfortable or even traumatic.  The topic of children and reproduction naturally comes up in conversation sometimes, and there’s nothing wrong with talking about it, within the comfort level of the people involved.  But this out-of-nowhere accosting of childless women is uncalled for and incredibly rude.

There’s one last thing you can remember, and it’s an upside.  When a woman wants to have children and wants to talk about it, she will!  When she is pregnant or plans adoption and wants you to know, she will tell you!  She will be happy and excited and have a thousand happy thoughts to share.  She might want your advice, or wish to hear of your experiences.  She will probably savor the fun and joy of telling every person she knows that she is going to be a mother, waiting to see what they will say with their words and faces.  But please, allow her to choose that special moment.